Smile.. but it hurts..

I am normally always a cheerful person.  I never let the worst get to me even when at times the worst is really not the worst because "it could always be worse".  I stay optimistic in every situation.  When I try and be negative it just aways gets turned around to be a positive in most cases.  Most cases but the one that has been bothering me and having me wondering if what I want is really what is in God's Plan for me.

I know your thinking what has you down.. well let me tell you.

I have wanted another child for the last 8years.  We tried the foster/adopt route that did not work. That just made our hearts break even more along with my families hearts.  I will never go that route again nor suggest it to someone that is in the same situation.

I guess I should back up 10years for you. My husband decided he didn't want any more children and at the time we where separated because of unforeseen circumstances that I will not put on here. He decided he would have a vasectomy. Which at the time was fine by me.  Now I wish I told him no. But that is another story.. anyways at the first of this year he had a semen analysis it was results we where wanting. He is in the normal range just on the lower end of it.  So the past few months it is up to me.  I have been eating healthier, losing some weight, being more active.  The medicine the doctor gave me finally worked write and I had a period on my own.  So everything seems to be falling into place right?  So Why do I feel so down?  Why does it seem that it just isn't going to work?

I can't help but doubt this is really what I want. I laid in bed talking to Dusty last night about what if this is the wrong choice we are making, trying to bring another life into the world.  Will Sephy be put on the back burner while we show new love to this new baby.  Will we have to say NO more often because we have another person now to think of?  Will she get to do all the things her heart desires (within reason of course) if we have another baby?  Will the timing be right for next summer for vacation planning in the works?

I know my heart really desires another child, but is right now really the right time?

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